I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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