dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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