All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
farters have to be the big spoon...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
