so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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