i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
