The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
