ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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