Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
