it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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