Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
