I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
