A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
