Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
