i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize