Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
