I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
