Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
