wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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