I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Randomize
