I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
and you fell through a lawn chair
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
