So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
