Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
