did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
