Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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