He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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