Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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