I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
