So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
