My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
