I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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