if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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