Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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