Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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