Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
