I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
