im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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