I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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