Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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