so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
