He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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