im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
