Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
