Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
