I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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