Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
