just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
