Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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