Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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