i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
