I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
