we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
