Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
