until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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