i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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