I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
