you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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