What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
