I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
