how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
